Why Guilt?
by PkGrl
Summary: After the events of The Ugly Truth, Aeryn is still trying to figure out what emotions she's feeling and why she's feeling them.


Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or situations. They just came over to play in my head for a while. They are all unharmed, I promise.  
  
Spoilers: The Ugly Truth, kind of  
  
Aeryn's POV  
  
Why Guilt?  
  
Aeryn continued working on identifying and dealing with emotions as they arose. The latest... well, she thought it was guilt. She had no reason to feel guilty, but there it was. Every time she thought of Talyn or Crais, Crichton entered her mind as well, bringing this tearing emotion. Why, she didn't know.  
  
The problem was she thought about Talyn, and by association, Crais, often these days. The Plokavian incident had only occurred three solar days earlier, and they'd not heard from Talyn or his captain since they'd fled. Aeryn worried about what Crais had said, about his control over Talyn, or his lack thereof.  
  
How safe was Talyn? How safe were any of them as long as Crais had Talyn even partially under his control?  
  
The fact that Crais had a backup transponder ready to employ at their last meeting spoke to her of the man's instability. Was Crais becoming paranoid?  
  
There it was again! Crichton's voice invaded her thoughts, bringing guilt into her heart.  
  
You're here, now, on Moya. Let Crais deal with his own problems.  
  
Anger inevitably followed.  
  
Aeryn pushed aside her plate of food cubes and stood. Late as it was, no one else was in the galley, but she was certain most were still awake. Time to, what did John say? "Get this off her breast."  
  
"Right," she told herself, stalking toward the maintenance bay, her boots clanging on Moya's deck.  
  
Moya's systems hummed quietly, a sign that all was normal on the Leviathan. DRDs scurried out of Aeryn's path on their way to their own duties. But Aeryn knew beneath the facade, there were still problems on Moya. The biggest, besides this appalling sense of guilt she felt, was Zhaan's mood.  
  
Since Stark's dispersal, the Delvian had begun more intense meditations, longer prayer cycles. Aeryn knew that Zhaan had hardly eaten in the past three days, telling the others she could survive on spirituality alone. Remembering the Pa'u's near-starvation budding, Aeryn had begun to suspect that, on some level, Zhaan hoped to leave this existence and join with Stark in his.  
  
The maintenance bay lit upon her approach. The prowler stood silently, facing Crichton's module, a sentinel. Well, if he wasn't here and he wasn't in the galley....  
  
She decided against comming him, preferring to simply find him personally. She strode towards Pilot's den. He could simply tell her where Crichton was, then she could unburden this emotional dren on him. He seemed to love that sort of thing.  
  
She would have ignored the desire to talk to John altogether, but three days of an emotion she didn't want was enough. John certainly had his faults and could be incredibly naive, but he did understand emotions. Well, he could have this one. Aeryn was finished with it. What's more, Aeryn wanted it to be done with her.  
  
Pilot's den buzzed with the activity of dozens of DRDs which scurried around, completing maintenance and doing tasks set to them by both Pilot and Moya.  
  
"Ah, Officer Sun," Pilot greeted.  
  
"Hello, Pilot."  
  
"Is there a problem?"  
  
The DRD Crichton called One-Eye zipped behind Pilot, blinking its left sensor at the Sebacean. Aeryn nodded to the little droid, returning her attention to the being in control. "Not really, Pilot. Can you just tell me where Crichton is?"  
  
Pilot checked his controls briefly. "Commander Crichton just left Command. I believe he's headed toward his quarters."  
  
"Thank you, Pilot." Aeryn turned to leave.  
  
"Officer Sun."  
  
The woman in question stopped, faced Pilot once again. "Yes?"  
  
"Is there something I an do to help?"  
  
Aeryn smiled and placed a hand on one of Pilots'. "Not this time, my friend."  
  
Pilot sighed, watching Aeryn leave his den, the door pivoting closed behind her.  
  
See? she asked herself. Friendship without guilt. Why couldn't she have that with Crichton?  
  
She feared she knew the answer. Why would her relationship with Crichton be different than any other? Because, in spite of everything, or perhaps because of it, she still found the human interesting. What made matters worse was that, for the past monen or so, she knew there was something more, and so did he.  
  
And that knowledge infuriated her, confused her, and made her... something like happy, all at the same time.  
  
But what did all this have to do with Talyn and Crais?  
  
There it was again! She was certain by now that the emotion was guilt. She was only microts away from Crichton's quarters by now, so he would hear about it soon.  
  
She felt responsible for Talyn and no amount of guilt would dispel that. Right now-  
  
"Aeryn?"  
  
Startled, she stopped just short of John's room at the sound of his voice. He poked his head into the corridor, inviting her in.  
  
Walking forward once again, she asked, "How'd you know it was me?"  
  
He pointed to her boots. "Kind of a distinctive ring." His left boot already off, he sat on the edge of his bed to remove the right. "Something on your mind?"  
  
Sometimes she was certain he was clairvoyant. She sat in the only chair he had, turning to face him. "As a matter of fact... I want you to stop frelling with my emotions!" She didn't mean to explode like that, but she was at her wit's end.  
  
He looked at her, hurt, confused.  
  
Frell! There was the guilt again. "Stop that!" she demanded.  
  
"Stop what? Look, Aeryn, I don't know what you're talking about. I barely even saw you today."  
  
"It's not today, it's all the time." Suddenly, she didn't know what to say. How could she tell him that just thinking of him in the same microt as Talyn or Crais caused her pain? How could he understand? How could he stop it?  
  
"What's all the time?" John asked, leaning toward her.  
  
Aeryn shook her head and stood. "Never mind. I don't know...." She sighed.  
  
John stood also, reaching out to her, but Aeryn turned to leave.  
  
"There's nothing you can do anyway. I think I need to deal with this on my own."  
  
She felt John's grip on her elbow, and she allowed him to turn her around to face him.  
  
"Aeryn, if you came here to talk, then talk. You know I'll listen."  
  
Aeryn sighed again, still unsure of how to articulate her problem with him.  
  
"Come on," he urged, "spill it."  
  
She looked up at him, questions and accusations filling her mind, leaving her with too much to say and no way to say it. Yes, he was interesting, no doubt there. And frell, but his eyes looked especially blue just then.  
  
She had him locked in a kiss so quickly she didn't even remember leaning in. The taste and the feeling were familiar and still exciting. John returned the kiss eagerly. She kept her eyes closed, refusing to look at him, certain she'd see confusion on his face.  
  
Aeryn broke from his embrace and left. Crichton's voice did not follow, nor did he.  
  
Good, she thought, finally smiling. He could just wonder. Be confused, John. At least my guilt is gone. 


End file.
